fictional boyfriends and self-destruction.

i'm doing it again. i'm letting him get to me, which makes me depressed, which makes me stop caring about stuff, which makes me stop going to class and doing things i should be doing. why does he have this power over me? i feel like i'm going nowhere. i feel like i'm doing nothing right.

i had a date with lance for valentine's day on saturday. we went to hana yori's. zachary thought it was a date with some other guy. i played along. i told him it was a boy from school. i made up a little story. he believed me and got jealous. he started being really sweet. he told me i looked pretty. he was touching me every chance he got. i could tell it really bothered him. i don't understand what's going on. he still thinks i'm interested in some guy from school. i was going to play it up for a while to see what happened, but now i don't know. the way he is acting is... well, to be honest, it's starting to kill me. i'd rather him be mean. i'd rather him give me a reason to hate him. i don't know why i love him so much. i don't know why i've invested so much of my heart in him. all he does is break it. all he does is hurt me.

i'm self-destructive. that's my problem. i think i'm so depressed that i decide to hurt myself, but instead of doing it physically, i do it emotionally by staying with zachary. does that make sense? it does to me, and i think that's what is happening.

i'm so messed up, aren't i?