The World Through My Eyes.

sleeping man. lame.

2009-04-26T15:18:00.002-05:00

this man fell asleep in my computer lab at work today. hella lame.

boys.

2009-03-18T19:46:00.003-05:00

my boys.

sadie.

2009-03-13T15:30:00.003-05:00

this is my dog, sadie. i love her.

2009-02-23T17:35:00.002-05:00

i'm taking sharon's advice and completely changing my blog. from this point on, i'm going to be posting photos of things/people that i enjoy and/or things that inspire me. i probably won't have time to do it every day, but i will make an effort.

so now you will see the world through my eyes. enjoy.

memories.

2009-01-19T01:02:00.000-05:00

I need to rid my mind of the memories that consume it. I just dont know how.

stay with her.

2008-11-25T01:29:00.002-05:00

well, i hope you stay with her. she'll make you miserable. i'm always right as you know. she'll make you miserable. don't ever break up with her. she'll make you miserable. oh, i hope you stay with her. she'll make you miserable. and that's what you deserve. she'll make you miserable, as she should.

[melissa mowat]

unfairly attacked.

2008-11-05T19:05:00.002-05:00

is it fair that i'm being attacked for something i cannot control?

one of my good friends is putting a lot of strain on our friendship. she is very jealous of me for some reason. i can't help the situation, though. it's not my fault. i've done and said everything possible to relieve her worries, but she apparently doesn't care. i don't know how to handle her anymore. i'm starting to get really annoyed.

free at last.

2008-10-29T20:59:00.000-05:00

i have a feeling that everything's going to be all right.
i'm finally free.

the lame shall enter first.

2008-10-11T15:34:00.004-05:00

paint my face so you won't have to see these scars again. i'll never hurt you. only love you. break this curse of wanting what i know i'll never have. your embrace. your forbidden taste. and your love. yeah, come on. i'm going to take you to the back room baby. yeah, come on. give yourself away. let me find my worth within your hands. and i will worship you until you make me a man with your love. yeah, come on. i'm going to take you to the back room baby. yeah, come on.

[they've shot flanigan]

finally an update.

2008-09-12T16:46:00.003-05:00

i haven't updated my blog in a long time. here's what is new...

1. i haven't actually moved yet. jess and i have an apartment waiting for us, but we have to wait until they lease their house. i'm still searching for jobs as well. no luck thus far, but it's ok. i know God will provide.

2. zachary has recently started contacting me. apparently his life is in shambles. what he wants from me, i don't know. i'm just trying to be nice to him because he has nobody else. and for those of you who are concerned, i have not seen him. i've just briefly talked to him a few times. it's ok... i'm ok...

3. indiana has FINALLY started giving me money. damn them for taking so long!

4. i met a fabulous guy from columbus. matt is his name. he's fantastic... always sarcastic and witty... just like me. :)

5. i miss my friends. a lot.

columbus.

2008-08-25T14:33:00.001-05:00

well, it has been decided... i'm moving to columbus next week.

it killed me.

2008-08-19T18:13:00.000-05:00

zachary called me today. i had to hear his voice...
it killed me.

completed.

2008-08-09T18:35:00.002-05:00

with the help of Martin, i got the setlist from the Radiohead concert i went to. i, of course, was way too crazed and in complete shock from seeing them to actually write that shit down. but here it is.. the AMAZING setlist...

-MAIN SET-
1. "15 Steps" [In Rainbows]
2. "Bodysnatchers" [In Rainbows]
3. "There, There" [Hail To The Thief]
4. "All I Need" [In Rainbows]
5. "Pyramid Song" [Amnesiac]
6. "Nude" [In Rainbows]
7. "Weird Fishes/Arpeggi" [In Rainbows]
8. "The Gloaming" [Hail To The Thief]
9. "Climbing Up The Walls" [OK Computer]
10. "Faust Arp" [In Rainbows]
11. "Videotape" [In Rainbows]
12. "Morning Bell" [Amnesiac version]
13. "Idioteque" [Kid A]
14. "Reckoner" [In Rainbows]
15. "Everything In Its Right Place" [Kid A]
16. "Just" [The Bends]
17. "How To Disapper Completely" [Kid A]

-ENCORE I-
18. "You and Whose Army?" [Amnesiac]
19. "Bangers & Mash" [In Rainbows B-side]
20. "Exit Music (For A Film)" [OK Computer]
21. "Jigsaw Falling Into Place" [In Rainbows]
22. "Karma Police" [OK Computer]

-ENCORE II-
23. "House of Cards" [In Rainbows]
24. "The National Anthem" [Kid A]
25. "Spirit Street" [The Bends]

the only thing left to say is... my life's complete.

it might be country, but it's true.

2008-08-06T14:52:00.000-05:00

I've changed the presets in my truck
so those old songs don't sneak up
they still find me and remind me
yeah, you come back that easy
try restaurants I've never been to
order new things off the menu
that I never tried cause you didn't like
two drinks in you were by my side

I've talked to friends
I've talked to myself
I've talked to God
I prayed liked hell, but I still miss you
I tried sober, I tried drinking
I've been strong and I've been weak
and I still miss you
I've done everything to move on like I'm supposed to
I'd give anything for one more minute with you
I still miss you

I never knew til you were gone
how many pages you were on
it never ends, I keep turning
and line after line and you are there again
I dont know how to let you go
you are so deep down in my soul
I feel helpless, so hopeless
its a door that never closes
no, I don't know how to do this

I've talked to friends
I've talked to myself
I've talked to God
I prayed liked hell, but I still miss you
I tried sober, I tried drinking
I've been strong and I've been weak
and I still miss you
I've done everything to move on like I'm supposed to
I'd give anything for one more minute with you
I still miss you yeah

I still miss you...

hate. hate. hate.

2008-07-31T15:19:00.000-05:00

it's been five weeks, and i miss him.
a lot.

moving?

2008-07-22T21:20:00.000-05:00

i think i'm going to move to columbus with my sister.

mixing seasonal people with lifetime expectations.

2008-07-05T21:00:00.004-05:00

i was bored today, so i watched a film. i think this was a good choice considering the monologue of one of the characters...

"it's ok to sit around, be depressed for a minute, cry about it, do what you have to, but don't stay there too long. get up and go on with your life. this is what i've learned - if someone wants to walk out of your life, let them go. especially if you know you've done everything you could do, been the best woman you could be and they still want to go... let them go. whatever they're running after, they'll see what they had after a minute, but it'll be too late. you'll sit there and cry about it, but just think, in two or three years, you won't even remember their last name. how many times have you seen people and been like "what the hell was i thinking?? i must have been lonely as hell to hook up with you." just let folks go. some people come into your life for a lifetime and some come for a season. you have to know which is which. and you're going to always mess up when you mix seasonal people up with lifetime expectations. i know some who have married people they were only supposed to be with for a season, and they wonder why they're having so much hell in their lives. that was a person who was supposed to come and teach you one thing. you didn't know it so you fell in love, and now you wonder why you don't have peace anywhere you go. i put everyone who comes into my life in a category of a tree. some people are like leaves on a tree - when the wind blows, they're over here, unstable. when it blows the other way, they move with it. seasons change, they whither and die. it's ok, though. most people in the world are like that. they're just there to take from the tree and give shade every now and then. that's all they can do. but don't get mad at people like that. it's just who they are, what they were put on this earth to do. some people are like branches on a tree. you have to be careful with the branches, too because they can fool you. they'll make you think they're a good friend and real strong but the minute you step out on them, they'll break and leave you high and dry. but if you find two or three people in your life that are like the roots at the bottom of the tree, you are blessed. those are the kind of people that aren't going anywhere. when you get some roots you have to hold on to them but as far as the others - just let them go. let folks go. and nobody said it'll be easy, but it will get easy when you learn to love yourself. when you get to a point in your life where you look at people and say "ok, wait a minute, you or me?" you will make a decision. i've never thrown anyone away, never told anyone to stop talking to me. what i do is say "ok, look, this thing you're doing is causing a problem. you need to fix it because if we're going to be friends and you don't, we're going to have an issue." if you see someone fix it or even try to fix it, that's someone who cares. keep those people around. that's a leaf that's trying to grow up and be something else. but if you're telling someone that what they're doing is hurting you and they keep doing it, they don't really care. move on. let them go. no matter how much it hurts, let them go. and it'll get easier. every day it'll get easier, but you just have to make it through."

that's what You are.

2008-07-03T21:54:00.003-05:00

you are not a god created by human hands. you are not a god dependent on any mortal man. you are not a god in need of anything we can give. by your plan, that's just the way it is...

you are God alone. from before time began you were on your throne. you were God alone. and right now, in the good times and bad, you are on your throne, and you are God alone.

you're the only god whose power none can contend. you're the only god whose name and praise will never end. you're the only god whose worthy of everything we can give. you are God, that's just the way it is...

unchangeable, unshakable, unstoppable... that's what You are.

funny how quickly things change.

2008-07-02T13:05:00.003-05:00

i don't want anyone to ever ask about or mention zachary again... and i mean never again.

he has been so hurtful and so cruel the past few days. i don't want to ever talk about him or think about him or anything ever again. he is dead to me.

i'm changing my phone number so he can't call or text me. i'll let you all know my new number as soon as i get it.

kickass.

2008-06-21T22:56:00.000-05:00

im happy. thats all.

damn him.

2008-06-19T10:00:00.003-05:00

he won't stop texting me. i called verizon, and i can't block his texts. it's either all or none. this is bullshit. i've told him we're done. doesn't he get it? what does he want from me? he broke my heart. he doesn't deserve my friendship.

music and hookahs. yessss.

2008-06-12T14:51:00.003-05:00

i went on a spending spree because i've been really upset lately. i bought an ipod touch on monday. i bought a cd tuesday. i bought a hookah yesterday. i haven't bought anything today, but there's no guarantee i won't buy something when i get home...

right now i'm most excited about the hookah. i'm going to sit in my yard and hookah when i have nothing else to do. it's going to kick major ass.

i bought the ipod touch so i would have something to do when i go to georgia. i can't just sit on a plane for three hours without music. that would be hella lame.

i pretty much have no money now, but hey, it's ok. at least i'll be happy for a few days.

just like a film.

2008-06-05T11:26:00.005-05:00

please imagine, the man you've been in love with for three years finally tells you he loves you back. he finally says he wants to be with you. he says he can't wait to introduce you to his family... then the next day, he takes it all back.

yeah. that happened to me.

bah.

2008-06-03T09:34:00.000-05:00

my happiness lasted a few days.

this is bullshit.

a test of patience?

2008-05-29T12:11:00.002-05:00

my dad is in the hospital. he fell off a ladder at work yesterday morning and broke his right leg and left heel. he had surgery last night on his leg, but they have to wait two weeks to do surgery on his heel because it's so swollen. after the last surgery, it'll be about six months until he can walk or drive. it'll be about a year before things start to feel "normal." this is going to be very difficult for my dad, so pray that he has patience... and that my family has patience as well.

happiness. finally.

2008-05-27T13:58:00.004-05:00

i am very happy. happier than i've been in a long time. cheers to that.

my black and white party was fabulous. well, it was until i started throwing up. i blame that on zachary. but it's ok. i had fun.

i'm set on having a rave for my birthday this year. i just need to find a place to have it... any ideas?

good ol' Joan Jett.

2008-05-23T11:58:00.000-05:00

I hate myself for loving you,
Can't break free from the things that you do.
I wanna walk but I run back to you
Thats why I hate myself for lovin you.

Daylight spent the night without you
But I've been dreamin' 'bout the lovin' you do
I won't be as angry 'bout the hell you put me through

Hey man bet you can treat me right
You just don't know what you was missin' last night
I wanna see your face and say forget it just from spite

I think of you every night and day-
You took my heart and you took my pride away

I hate myself for loving you.

untitled.

2008-05-17T20:51:00.000-05:00

my heart is broken.

nobody should have to go through this.

the hardest thing.

2008-05-13T12:29:00.003-05:00

i'm giving zachary up. i'm letting him go. i'm deleting his phone number, his pictures, etc. i want him out of my life. but in order to do this, i know i need my friends. i need you guys when i'm sitting at home alone wanting to see him, when i get the urge to call him. this is probably the hardest thing i've ever done, and i need to know you guys are here for me.

dysfunction.

2008-05-06T08:35:00.003-05:00

"he and i had something beautiful but so dysfunctional it couldn't last. i loved him so, but i let him go cause i knew he'd never love me back. such pain is this, shouldn't have to be experienced..."

i have spent the last two years of my life doing anything and everything for Zachary. i've spent the last two years trying to make him love me like i love him. i know he never will, and i know it's best he doesn't. my heart is broken, though. i don't think it can ever be fixed.

i need help letting go. i'm not strong enough.

the road to Radiohead tickets.

2008-04-12T10:46:00.000-05:00

9:00am: i couldn't sleep. i was tossing and turning all night. what if my alarm didn't go off? what if i missed out on getting Radiohead tickets again? that would be the worst thing ever. i've been up since about 8:00. i just want time to move a lot faster so i can buy them. i'm glad i'm not using my home computer. they'd be all sold out by the time the page actually came up. stupid dial-up. hmm. i'll be back later to update.

9:30am: a half hour. i only have to wait a half hour. i'm getting antsy...

9:47am: i have to pee because i'm nervous now.

9:55am: this is my last post before i buy the tickets. i'm praying out loud... and you all probably think i'm a freak by now. haha.

God doesn't love me. it's official. i had great seats. i was getting ready to buy them. and what happens? my computer, as retarded as it is, shuts down. yes. it shut down. i started crying. i had lower level seats. LOWER LEVEL SEATS. after the five minutes it took to get back on, everything was gone. there were no two seats together. i'm a mess. i've been looking forward to this for so long. they finally come around here. i finally had a chance to get good seats at their show. i did buy two tickets in the pavillion. they're not together, and they're in the upper level, but oh well. at least i'll get to see my favorite band. i'll just bring a camera with good zoom, i suppose.

i'm really depressed right now. i think i'll go cry some more.

complete.

2008-04-11T22:36:00.001-05:00

i can't wait to see them.
my life will be complete.

new project.

2008-03-15T22:41:00.001-05:00

i'm making video art. that's my next project. i'm planning all the details. i can't wait to get it all done. i can't wait to show everyone.

meh.

2008-02-28T13:45:00.002-05:00

i lost ten pounds. you can't tell but still...
kickass.

another thing. i'm kind of seeing someone. i'm not going to say who right now. i'm not sure if i should be seeing him. last night i was with him, and it wasn't good. i got sick to my stomach. it doesn't feel right. it seems like every time a guy likes me, i just jump right in. maybe making me feel ill is God's way of saying chill out. i don't know. i think i'll stop seeing him. i don't like feeling sick every time he touches me, every time he compliments me. i'm just weird.

fictional boyfriends and self-destruction.

2008-02-19T23:39:00.003-05:00

i'm doing it again. i'm letting him get to me, which makes me depressed, which makes me stop caring about stuff, which makes me stop going to class and doing things i should be doing. why does he have this power over me? i feel like i'm going nowhere. i feel like i'm doing nothing right.

i had a date with lance for valentine's day on saturday. we went to hana yori's. zachary thought it was a date with some other guy. i played along. i told him it was a boy from school. i made up a little story. he believed me and got jealous. he started being really sweet. he told me i looked pretty. he was touching me every chance he got. i could tell it really bothered him. i don't understand what's going on. he still thinks i'm interested in some guy from school. i was going to play it up for a while to see what happened, but now i don't know. the way he is acting is... well, to be honest, it's starting to kill me. i'd rather him be mean. i'd rather him give me a reason to hate him. i don't know why i love him so much. i don't know why i've invested so much of my heart in him. all he does is break it. all he does is hurt me.

i'm self-destructive. that's my problem. i think i'm so depressed that i decide to hurt myself, but instead of doing it physically, i do it emotionally by staying with zachary. does that make sense? it does to me, and i think that's what is happening.

i'm so messed up, aren't i?

gravity.

2008-02-16T00:34:00.001-05:00

Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long
No matter what I say or do
I'll still feel you here til the moment I'm gone

You hold me without touch
You keep me without chains
I never wanted anything so much
Than to drown in your love and not feel your rain

Set me free, leave me be
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall
Just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me and all over me

You loved me cause I'm fragile
When I thought that I was strong
But you touch me for a little while
And all my fragile strength is gone

Set me free, leave me be
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall
Just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me and all over me

I live here on my knees
As I try to make you see
That you're everything I think
I need here on the ground
But you're neither friend nor foe
Though I can't seem to let you go
The one thing that I still know is that
You're keeping me down

Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long

suck on that, tom brady.

2008-02-04T10:53:00.000-05:00

I had to run the office by myself thursday and friday afternoons. i almost had a nervous breakdown. seriously. i realized how stupid some people are, though. one man calls in and asks, "do you have any trips going west? we want to go west." i respond by saying, "no, i'm sorry, all we have is an ontario and a michigan." he says, "ok, well, we want something going to new york or new jersey or somewhere around there." um, are you stupid, man? that's the complete opposite way of what you just asked for. i was about ready to go insane. the phone rang every five minutes. i was extremely behind in paperwork for delivered units. the stupid canadians called and wouldn't clear one unit that was supposed to be delivered this week. whatever. i finally just sat down, took a deep breath, and said, "whatever." i made it through. thank goodness.

oh, one more thing... THE GIANTS WON THE SUPERBOWL. suck on that, tom brady. you think you're so good, having an 18-0 season. but what do you have to show for it? a superbowl win? NO. why? because you're a cocky bastard and you and belichick deserved to lose.
that's all.

more death

2008-01-30T12:51:00.000-05:00

my boss, Ross, died last night around 10:30. it came as a shock, considering i just saw him two days ago. i couldn't breathe when i found out this morning. i couldn't do anything except cry. he was like a grandfather to me. sigh. pray for his family.

sex and the city.

2008-01-24T14:39:00.000-05:00

i was watching sex and the city last night and realized... he's my mr. big.

suck.

i'm sad.

2008-01-23T16:16:00.000-05:00

heath ledger died yesterday.

enough said.

alterations... and a new list.

2008-01-19T11:13:00.000-05:00

i bought the new Radiohead album, In Rainbows, about a week ago, locked myself in my room and listened to it all the way through. It's brilliant; therefore, i must alter my top ten. I'm going to list the album each song is from as well (just some information that i think should be added).

10. True Love Waits - Live Recordings
9. Creep - Pablo Honey
8. Paranoid Android - Ok Computer
7. Reckoner - In Rainbows
6. Just - The Bends
5. Everything In Its Right Place - Kid A
4. Gagging Order - Com Lag (Japanese Import)
3. Idioteque - Kid A
2. Street Spirit (Fade Out) - The Bends
1. Exit Music (For a Film) - Ok Computer

i think maybe i'll list the Radiohead albums from worst to best, in my opinion of course. you guys probably are sick of me doing this, but i'm pretty much obsessed with these guys. i can't help that they're amazing. :)

8. Amnesiac
7. Pablo Honey
6. Com Lag
5. Hail to the Thief
4. Kid A
3. In Rainbows
2. The Bends
1. Ok Computer

that was actually really difficult. that probably took me about an hour to decide. i had to evaluate what songs were on each album, the order of the songs, etc. i didn't include the Live Recordings album, though. i didn't think it necessary. anyway, i'm done with this post.
peace.

2008-01-06T20:09:00.000-05:00

i was listening to radiohead, who are my favorite band, and decided to make a list of my top ten favorite songs. so, here it is...

10. High and Dry
9. True Love Waits
8. Creep
7. Paranoid Android
6. Just
5. Everything In Its Right Place
4. Gagging Order
3. Idioteque
2. Street Spirit (Fade Out)
1. Exit Music (For a Film)

i also decided to make a "radiohead: best of" mix for anyone who wants it. just let me know.

just what i need. (sarcasm).

2008-01-01T22:20:00.000-05:00

zach isn't moving. he decided to stay. i don't know how to feel about this.

resolution.

2007-12-29T19:44:00.000-05:00

my new years resolution: to get happy.

back home.

2007-12-10T12:19:00.000-05:00

i'm back home. finally. to tell you the truth, though, i was starting to like lance's friends down there. they were nice. and i loved their accents. i thought i would be happy to get home until i saw the sheet of ice that covered everything in nappanee. lame. i guess i can deal with this weather, though. i'm used to it.

tonight is knitting night with sharon. i'm happy.

surgery and hillbillies.

2007-12-08T15:34:00.000-05:00

first item of business: my surgery. it's not a big deal. i'm just getting my tonsils taken out next thursday. that means when the girls get home, i won't be able to hang out until after christmas. i have to stay home for ten to twelve days. lame.

second item: i drove thirteen hours yesterday to come pick up lance. i'm in millry, alabama right now. you know how people say that the south is filled with hicks and hillbillies? yeah. they were completely right. i can't believe how "country" these people are. i'm definitely ready to come home. i could never live down here. the accents are cute, though. anyway, i met some of lance's friends last night. we've been hanging out. they pretty much act like they've never seen boobs before. i'm not wearing anything too low-cut, not showing cleavage. i guess all the girls down there wear turtlenecks or something. seriously. one boy threw something down my shirt and asked if he could get it out... um, ok? i am having fun, though. it's good to be with lance again. i missed him so much. we're leaving for home tomorrow at five in the morning. bah.

third item: well, i don't really have a third item. i just like odd numbers.
peace.

untitled.

2007-12-01T23:01:00.000-05:00

i buy into his eyes, into his lies...

God works.

2007-11-29T15:58:00.000-05:00

he's moving. zachary is moving. back to tennessee. he'll be gone by january. this will be good for me... even though it breaks my heart.

i know he won't.

2007-11-27T10:58:00.000-05:00

I know you don't mean to be mean to me
'Cause when you want to you can make me feel like we belong
Lately you make me feel all I am is a back up plan
I say im done and then you smile at me and I forget
Everything I said

I buy into those eyes
Into your lies

You say you'll call
But I know you
You say you're coming home
But I know you
You say you'll call
But I know you won't
You say you'll call
But I know you won't

I wish you were where you're supposed to be
Close to me
But here I am just staring at this candle burning out
Still no sound
Of footsteps on my stairs
Or your voice anywhere

You say you'll call
But I know you
You say you're coming home
But I know you
You say you'll call
But I know you won't
You say you'll call
But I know you won't

fighting gravity.

2007-11-13T13:06:00.001-05:00

everything i believe and everything that holds me together at the seams seems so far away.

i wish i'd finally fall apart.

prayers needed.

2007-10-22T11:52:00.000-05:00

as most of you know, there was a tornado that went through nappanee on october 18th. this tornado destroyed my dad's business. it's been really hard on my family and especially my dad. we do feel blessed because the tornado was only 3/4 mile away from our home but nothing there was damaged. we just need your prayers as we attempt to clean up what's left and as we start to rebuild.
thanks.

i posted pictures of the damages on facebook and myspace.

apolgize.

2007-10-12T10:17:00.000-05:00

after the girl "broke up" with him, zachary tried apologizing. he called. a lot. sigh. i'm not going to let myself be used again. this has been the worst experience. ever.

"i'm holding on your rope
got me ten feet off the ground
and i'm hearing what you say
but i just can't make a sound
you tell me that you need me
then you go and cut me down
you tell me that you're sorry
didn't think i'd turn around and say

it's too late to apologize
it's too late

i'd take another chance, take a fall, take a shot for you
i need you like a heart needs a beat
but that's nothing new
i loved you with a fire red, now it's turning blue
and you say
sorry like the angel heaven let me think was you
but i'm afraid

it's too late to apologize
it's too late"

our ending.

2007-09-24T17:48:00.001-05:00

i talked to zachary for the last time on saturday night. we talked for about an hour. i had calmed down. i was being civil. i wasn't yelling unless he yelled at me. i tried to explain myself over and over again. i tried to explain to him that this wasn't about the girl. my anger has been building up over the past year. i've kept everything inside, and this is just what set me off. he didn't understand. he kept saying the same things.
"i didn't do anything wrong."
"i just didn't want to hurt you."
"you'll be calm in a few days, so let's talk then."
no. i told him no. zachary intentionally said some very hurtful things to me. it was after those comments that i realized i couldn't hang out with him ever again. i couldn't see him ever again. i didn't care about my stuff anymore. i told him that i was done. he didn't believe me. he still doesn't. he thinks this is just a "phase." i told him that i hope things work out with the girl and that she makes him happy. i also told him not to call me. ever. he said he's going to call and leave messages anyway. i don't care. i'll just erase them. he just thinks this whole thing is a joke. well, i'm not laughing... i'm crying.

how could he be so hurtful to someone he calls his best friend? how could he say those things to someone he says is important to him and who he supposedly cares about?

what did i do to deserve this?

warning: profane language.

2007-09-22T12:21:00.000-05:00

just a heads up: there will definitely be profane language in this post. i'm going to tell you about my last conversations with zachary. they were good ones. you might just be proud of me... other than the language content. sorry.

thursday night: bad. very bad. i was helping a few friends out with their break-ups. we went over to kindra's house. chilled. i decided to call zachary. he answered. our conversation went something like this...
z: i can't talk right now
j: why not?
z: i'm tired. i need sleep, so i'll talk to you later.
j: we haven't talked in a week. what the hell is wrong? why won't you talk to me?
z: i'm going to bed, jacki. i'll talk to you later.
j: i know something is going on. is someone at your house?
z: i'm going. bye.
at that moment, i knew there was a girl there. i knew it. so i was pissed and cried the whole night.

friday: i was feeling better. i knew there was no reason to be upset. he's not worth it. so i got up. got dressed and looked hot. i went out for lunch with danni and kindra. when i was leaving the restaurant, zachary called. we fought. again. he told me that there was a girl there. he has been hanging out with her for a while. she's been spending the night almost every night. that's why he hasn't called. that's bullshit. i told him that's bullshit. we've been friends for five years and that's how he's going to treat me? he had to go, so he told me he would call me later. i started crying. hard. i called lance. lance has a way... a way of getting me pissed off about things. after crying and talking to lance, i got pissed. more pissed than i have EVER been in my entire life. i knew right then that i was done with zachary. done. i was ready to talk to him again. i was ready to get all my anger out. i texted zachary and told him i wanted all the shit i ever gave him. i wanted it all back. after a while, he called me back. he said no. that was my breaking point. i went, as they say, "ape shit." i was standing outside of main street cafe, shouting at him, telling him everything i've ever wanted to say. his response?
"you're talking crazy shit, jacki. you're talking crazy. you need to calm down. damn. just calm down."
all i could do was laugh. i was just tearing him apart. oh, it was great. i should have charged admission for that. he told me the only way i'm getting anything is if we hang out. fine. i'll hang out with him. i'm not guaranteeing his safety, though. i'll be all up in his face about this stuff because i know i won't be able to stand him for more than two minutes. maybe i'll just grab my shit and leave. if he says anything, i'll jack him in the face. well, of course he had to leave again and he said he'd call me when he got off work. well, he did and he was in for it again. i yelled at him again. i'm not taking his shit anymore. i'm done. i told him that all he has to do it give me my shit back and he won't have to deal with me ever again.
"but that's not what i want, jacki. i want to be friends with you. i want to hang out."
no. i will NOT hang out with him. that's bullshit. after everything i've done for him, after all the time and effort and money and emotion i wasted on that stupid boy... no. i'm not putting myself through it again. i told him that. he doesn't understand what he did wrong. he was only trying to keep me from getting hurt. fuck that. it hurts worse to know that he has lied to me about that girl, to know that he can't take 10 minutes away from his time with her to call and see how i'm doing. we've been friends for five fuckin years and he can't even take 10 minutes. i don't need that. i am NOT going to be his fall-back girl. i will not hang out with him once a month and then, if something bad happens with this girl, be expected to hang out with him all the time again. no. fuck that and fuck him. i am done.

please don't ask me about him ever again unless i would happen to make a comment or something. it'll help me out a lot.

once again, sorry for the language. i'm just a pissed off bitch.

stupid plays. stupid boys.

2007-09-19T13:58:00.000-05:00

"i wanted those moments - few and far between as they were. i wanted whatever time and affection you could give me. no matter what it cost me. i felt like you found comfort in me. and maybe i wasn't your first choice, you know? but i was glad that i was somewhere on the list. i let it happen again and again, more times than i can even count. you wanted to keep things casual; you wanted to keep me at arm's length. it didn't matter. i love you, anyway. i've seen the best and the worst of you, and i love you. i love your kindness and your strength. i love the way you can tell me what i'm thinking. i love the way you tell a story, drawing me in. i love you for all the times you convinced me, with a stupid joke, or even just a look, to stop talking to myself so seriously and just enjoy my life. nothing could ever make me regret the way i feel about you. what i feel for you isn't a negative thing. it makes me better; it makes my life better. that's what i've been trying to say: love is never wrong."

i came across this monologue when i was doing research for my theater class. i was browsing a monologue website, just clicking on different plays that i had never heard of. i just happened to click on this one. this monologue that describes my stupid situation with zachary. i have to admit, i am feeling a little better. i was really happy yesterday. didn't think about him at all. didn't cry at all. i had a little relapse this morning, but i'm doing ok now. i just need to keep myself busy. i think that will work soon because i start training for starbucks next week.

sigh. i do miss him though...

time wasted.

2007-09-15T15:21:00.000-05:00

good news: i'm done with zachary. i told him i can't deal with this anymore. i can't be in this state when he gets a girlfriend. it would kill me. i told him that i'm not going to his apartment until i'm over him. he's not happy. i love zachary, but i just can't do it anymore. i can't keep putting so much time and effort into a relationship that's not even there. it's not fair to me

bad news: i'm done with zachary and it's killing me. i've been having breakdowns. i cry all the time. i know it'll get better but... it's too difficult right now.

i'm at iwu. who knew that being at iwu would actually make me feel better. i'm staying with zach and dave. they've made me happy. they've made me feel a little better. they've made me forget.

left and leaving.

2007-08-21T19:28:00.000-05:00

my city's still breathing but barely it's true
through buildings gone missing like teeth
the sidewalks are watching me think about you
sparkled with broken glass
i'm back with scars to show
back with the streets i know
will never take me anywhere but here

the stain in the carpet, this drink in my hand
the strangers whose faces i know
we meet here for our dress rehearsal to say
"i wanted it this way"
wait for the year to drown
spring forward, fall back down
i'm trying not to wonder where you are

all this time lingers, undefined
someone choose who's left and who's leaving

memory will rust, erode into lists of all that you gave me
a blanket, some matches, this pain in my chest
the best parts of lonely
duct tape and soldered wires, new words for old desires
and every birthday card i threw away

i wait in 4/4 time
count yellow highway lines
that you're relying on to lead you home

worse and worse.

2007-08-19T08:43:00.000-05:00

just when i thought august couldn't get any worse... it did. friday i got laid off from my job. the job that paid me $15 an hour. the job that i planned to keep all through college. the job that was going to help pay for my car, my apartment, my cell phone, my credit cards, etc. they said that business is really slow. slower than its ever been. they said that they just don't have work for me to do. and they can't afford to pay me anymore. i cried. right there at work. this is the worst thing that could happen right now. i had a panic attack on my way home. i don't know what i'm going to do. i have so many things to pay for. i decided not to get my apartment. i'm stuck living at home where i'm miserable. i want to get a job at the mall, so i can keep my nose ring and get the snake bite i was planning. i'm thinking hot topic. i think they'd allow it.

well, that's my life right now.
the life i hate.

rain. i hate it right now.

2007-08-16T08:51:00.000-05:00

so i went to zach's last night. i drove to niles as the storm hit. i have one windshield wiper that actually works, and it just happens to NOT be the driver's side one. damn my windshield wiper! i almost died. no joke.

prayer.

2007-08-15T11:57:00.000-05:00

please pray for zachary and his family.
and me as i audition for something on the 25th.

hmpf.

2007-08-13T16:04:00.000-05:00

i just had the worst two weeks of my entire life.

1. my cousin died.
2. lance moved.
3. i found out my boss has cancer.
4. zach told me he's moving back to tennessee.

let's see what else satan can throw at me to try to tear me down.

the unknown.

2007-08-02T11:43:00.000-05:00

my cousin jeremy committed suicide yesterday.

pray for my family.
please.

we make a pair of parentheses.

2007-07-28T13:51:00.000-05:00

i'm going to get my new tattoo. i'm leaving in a half hour. i'm ready for the pain. yessss.
i've perfected my faux hawk.
zach said "your hair doesn't look bad jacki," which really means "i like your new hair cut, jacki."
my sister is coming tonight. saweet.
i don't have to work until noon on monday. kickass.

i'm happy. very happy.
finally.

i let myself go.

2007-07-26T09:05:00.000-05:00

what has happened to me? i was looking through pictures of the past few years. i ballooned. i lost all that weight my senior year and now it's all back. i guess i just let myself go when i got to college. maybe because i didn't care anymore. maybe because i was depressed. maybe it was a combination. all i know is that i hate myself even more now.

bad and good.

2007-07-16T15:16:00.000-05:00

do you want bad news or good news first? ok. bad first.

bad news:
1. i missed my placement test on friday. i'm an idiot, i know. i'm going to try to reschedule.
2. i walked into work this morning and found out that my boss (Ross) had a heart attack friday afternoon. he's in the hospital but might be released tonight.
3. i can't go to zach and ryan's show on friday. i have to work late because of the MRO's and because of my boss' heart attack.

good news:
1. i was approved for my apartment. i've been talking with the woman, and we're trying to get things set up. (there is a piece of bad news that goes with this, though. there are no one-bedrooms open right now. i'll know in a week or two whether i can move in or not.)
2. i kick ass at guitar hero. oh, and i bought another guitar, so it's time for a party!

MRO's.

2007-07-12T10:12:00.001-05:00

MRO's. they are taking over my life. they're all over my desk. they're all i do at work. they're all i see when i close my eyes.

damn Gulf Stream for trying to take our money!

hate. hate. hate.

2007-07-09T00:09:00.000-05:00

i hate myself. so unbelievably much.

i'm self-destructive, and i don't know why.

ohio. who knew.

2007-07-08T18:10:00.000-05:00

so.. thursday through saturday were the best days ever. i loved being in ohio with my sister. it was like a mini vacation. we didn't really do much. i sat in the hot tub. i went shopping. i went to an irish pub. i hung out with jess, thomas, hockey, and their weird science friends. it was just fun. i have some crazy stories.. but i'll keep them to myself.

who knew ohio could be so much fun.

unfair.

2007-07-06T19:03:00.000-05:00

i am confused. zach says he likes me. he gets jealous when i talk about other boys. then he says he doesn't want me. he doesn't want to date me. why? is there something wrong with me? he doesn't want me but he doesn't want anyone else to have me... that's bullshit. it's not fair. is he just telling me he likes me so he can get action? it's not going to happen. that's what he needs to know. this is not fair. i hate him.

well, i'm trying to.

interesting fact.

2007-07-03T19:33:00.001-05:00

i like ryan.

that's all.

what now?

2007-07-03T09:41:00.000-05:00

i went to zach's. we got in an argument. he told me he likes me. he kissed me.

what now?

poo.

2007-07-01T22:11:00.000-05:00

my weekend has been interesting. friday night... i did absolutely nothing. i felt like crap because of cindy. damn her. saturday i had to work at 7:30. i was late. ha. they didn't care, though, because they were late, too. after work, i went home and played some guitar hero. obviously. then i drove down to muncie to see The Endies. zach's band. the good zach, i mean. on the way there the drummer, ryan, called me. he's probably one of the funniest guys i've ever met. he just called to harass me about he time because i was running late. i finally got there. it was a good show. zach, ryan, mel and i went to Perkin's afterwards and got some coffee. it was yum. zach kinda ruined the party because he had to work at midnight. mel and i decided to go hang out at ryan's until zach got off work at 3 or 4. i fell asleep on the sofa. mel hung out with zach when he got off work. they didn't wake me up. grrr. then zach had to go sleep because he was tired. of course. ryan let us stay a bit longer to let mel rest a little, then he pretty much kicked us out because he had to leave. ha. it was a good night. i just played guitar hero all day today. it was fun. yeah. that's pretty much all.

i like ryan. a lot. he's cool.

unknown happiness.

2007-06-28T14:18:00.000-05:00

i hate love.

2007-06-21T13:02:00.000-05:00

You know exactly what to do
So that I can’t stay mad at you
For too long, that’s wrong
And you completely know the power that you have
The only one that makes me laugh
Sad and it’s not fair how you take advantage of the fact that I
Love you beyond the reason why
And it just ain’t right
One of these days maybe your magic won’t affect me
And your kiss won’t make me weak
But no one in this world knows me the way you know me
So you’ll probably always have a spell on me
And I hate how much I love you boy
I can’t stand how much I need you
And I hate how much I love you boy
But I just can’t let you go
And I hate that I love you so...

boring? yes.

2007-06-20T14:07:00.000-05:00

my life is boring. i do the same thing every night. every single night. sigh. i guess i am getting pretty good at guitar hero, though. ha. i'm getting ready to kick zachary's ass at it. he thinks he's the best at it, but wait until he sees me... well, once i get used to the orange button, that is. i will tell you, though, that i've gotten perfects on at least 7 songs on medium. i'm not talking about the easy ones, either. i just rock. woo. anyway, i won't bore you with more video game talk. i think i decided where i'm going to live next year. i'm going to live at irish hills in south bend. it'll be a cute little one-room apartment. i'll need your help to decorate (and when i say "your" i'm referring to stacy, sharon, kat, jor, etc.). i want to make it a cute place. yeah. i think that's all i have for now. i told you i have a boring life.

cindy.

2007-06-15T08:58:00.000-05:00

the doctor called yesterday. i have a cyst on my right ovary. i have to go back to get another ultrasound in a few months to make sure it's not growing. i decided to name the cyst.. it's name is cindy. cindy cyst. i think we'll get along pretty well, as long as she doesn't cause me any pain or grow or anything.

my poor vag.

2007-06-13T14:08:00.000-05:00

well, i have more fun gyno details for you. woohoo. i think i said this in my last post (i can't remember and i'm not going to go back and look) but i had to have blood work done last week at the doctors. the results came in and the doctor called yesterday. things were normal in my blood. good. then she said "you need to get a pelvic ultrasound." wait.. what? i thought things were ok. damnation. so i scheduled one for today. 11:00. boo. last night, i decided to call amanda and find out why my doctor would want me to have one. amanda said that the doctor just wants to make sure nothing is wrong. she's just taking extra precautions. sigh. well, what could be wrong? amanda went on to inform me that it could be cancer, a tumor or cyst, a bad pregnancy, or me just not being able to have kids. wonderful. at that point, i got scared. i was really really scared. i just started crying. what if i had cancer or a tumor or something? what if i couldn't have kids? that would kill me. yes, i worry too much, but i was scared. i feel kind of bad for zach because he had to deal with me (i called him back after amanda). ha. but he talked me through it, made me see things rationally. he just made me feel better. so, i woke up, took a shower, and got ready. i had to drink a lot of water before i went and i couldn't pee either. it sucked. i had to strip down and wear one of those stupid smock things. i felt dumb. we went into the ultrasound room. i got on the table. first, she did the external ultrasound. she looked at my ovaries and kidneys and other things like that. while she was doing it, she was making weird faces and i got really nervous. when it was finished, i got to pee. woot. when i got back in the room, she informed me that she would be doing an internal ultrasound. oh, fantastic. she pulled out this HUGE probe and inserted it into my vag. it didn't really hurt, but it was awkward. she shoved it all the way up into my frickin uterus. i felt violated. afterwards, she took the pictures to the doctor. after the doctor looked at them, the nurse came back and said the doctor didn't see anything to be worried about. i was relieved. i won't get the final results until next week, but i'm happy. i feel violated... but i'm happy. my poor vag has had things shoved up it too much the past week. stupid doctors!

like my mother said... welcome to womanhood. bleh.

paps and birth control.

2007-06-10T13:59:00.000-05:00

i forgot to tell you how my first pap went. aha. it was fine. didn't hurt or anything. it was a bit uncomfortable when she shoved her fingers up there to feel my ovaries.. but other than that, i was fine. she's putting me on birth control, so now, as kindra says, i can have all the sex i want!

(just kidding, of course)

wednesday sucked.

2007-06-09T09:30:00.000-05:00

let me tell you of the horrors that occurred on wednesday. bah. i went to work at 9. when i got there, my boss asked if i could take some dealers to chicago to catch a flight. what the heck. i told him to use me as a last resort. well... i ended up having to go. they ended up telling me that i had to stay to pick up some dealers flying in, too. kindra said she would come with me, so i felt a little better. the trip up to chicago was perfect. nothing went wrong. we got off on all the right exits, didn't hit any traffic, and got the dealers there in plenty of time. kindra and i had to wait three hours to pick up the others, so we decided to go eat at giordano's. yum. after eating, we decided to just sit in the van and listen to music. well, stupid me didn't think. i turned the key so only the radio and stuff worked, not all the way on because i didn't want to waste fuel. anyway, after an hour and a half, the battery died. yeah. we had to be at the airport in twenty minutes and the battery was dead. kindra started asking people around the parking lot if they had jumper cables and of course, nobody did. i went into giordano's and asked. the manager brought his truck around and helped us. i'm sending him a thank you card. we got to the airport around 7:45 (their plane landed at 7:20, so i thought it was ok). we had a Gulf Stream sign so the people would know who we were. yeah... nobody was there for us to pick up. we couldn't find them. i let kindra out to walk around because i couldn't park in the pick-up area. i drove around in circles for two hours! during that time i called shawn, my boss, and asked what was going on. he called sally, the Gulf Stream rep. she called another Gulf Stream sales rep. the reps were calling me. apparently, the two dealers weren't answering their phones. great. well, we finally got ahold of them and picked them up around 9:45 or 10. when we were talking to them, they said they didn't even know Gulf Stream was sending us to pick them up. i was pissed. what a waste of my night. we got back at 2 a.m. i did get paid a lot, though.

2007-06-03T18:12:00.000-05:00

yesterday was a good day. a very good day.

it was lance's open house. i woke up a bit late, but that's ok. i helped lance set up. lance wanted me to make a slideshow of us for his open house so i rushed around and did that. i was there all day, but it was fun. i finally... finally... saw sharon. it was probably the highlight of my day. i missed her so much. she gave me a shirt, a pair of earrings from France, and two things she made while she was over there. i'm so happy. :)

i really don't want to work tomorrow, but work is a part of life now. boo. i have to earn and save money if i'm gonna have my own apartment next year. i'm really excited about that, too. everyone will be welcome in my home... well, almost everyone.

stuck.

2007-06-01T14:49:00.000-05:00

zach. he causes stressful situations. i need to get rid of him.. but i can't. i'm stuck.

i'm ok. i think.

2007-05-29T13:12:00.000-05:00

i finally reached my breaking point. friday night, i was at his house. he was talking about megan, and it felt like someone stabbed me in the heart. i decided it was time to just stop taking all this in. i decided it was time to tell him everything.. so i did. but not until last night. ha. he took it well. my heart still hurts, but i'm ok.

i think so, at least...

video games. yessss.

2007-05-25T15:02:00.001-05:00

i bought guitar hero 2, and i'm going to play it all night.

yesssss.

update.

2007-05-23T14:45:00.000-05:00

i'm giving you an update on my life.

boys: they suck. real bad. they make my life hell. well, he does. i don't know what to say anymore. i love him. i can honestly say that i love him, but i don't know why. he's mean to me, even when i do everything for him. i buy him things. i clean his house. i forgive him time after time. the biggest problem? he likes someone else. he talks about her constantly and it makes my heart hurt. i get nauseous and throw up. i've tried to let go. i've tried, but i just can't. it's too difficult. sigh. i don't know what to do. this situation is tearing me apart. it's breaking me down...

school: i'm transferring to iusb. i'm majoring in human resource management and minoring in psychology.

job: i love it.

family: i'm never home. i hate being there. all i ever do is argue with them. i'm moving out at the end of the summer. i'm probably moving to mishawaka.

that's all for now.

it's broken. my heart, i mean.

2007-05-22T13:30:00.000-05:00

He looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see
That I want and I'm needing everything that we should be
I'll bet she's beautiful, that girl he talks about
And she's got everything that I have to live without
He talks to me, I laugh cuz it's so damn funny
That I can't even see anyone when he's with me
He says he's so in love, he's finally got it right
I wonder if he knows he's all I think about at night

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do

He walks by me, can he tell that I can't breathe?
And there he goes, so perfectly
The kind of flawless I wish I could be
She'd better hold him tight, give him all her love
Look in those beautiful eyes and know she's lucky cause

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do

So I drive home alone, as I turn out the light
I'll put his picture down and maybe
Get some sleep tonight
He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only one who's got enough for me to break my heart
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do
He's the time taken up but there's never enough
And he's all that I need to fall into...

He looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see

i just don't know anymore.

2007-05-16T18:34:00.000-05:00

i know he makes me cry. i know sometimes i feel like i want to die. but do i really feel alive without him...?

it's nights like these, the saddest songs don't help
it's nights like these, your heart's with someone else
it's nights like these, i feel like giving up
it's nights like these, i don't seem to care too much

that's all i have. i'm too depressed to write.

songs and kisses. wah.

2007-05-07T16:53:00.000-05:00

he wrote me a song. that boy wrote me a song and sang it to me. he kissed my hand, too.

boo.

nausea.

2007-05-04T14:14:00.000-05:00

ok. i'm not sure about that boy anymore. i was with him last night (him and some others). he put his arm around me and was being touchy/feely. i got nauseous. that's not good, is it? haha. the night that we had "the talk" i was really really happy.. but last night i got nauseous. what the heck is wrong with me??

boys. drive me crazy.

2007-05-02T14:23:00.000-05:00

we all know that i tend to make bad choices when it comes to relationships, which is why i'm taking this slow. i had a little discussion about this boy with stacy the other night and i didn't really like him at that time but now.. now i do. i can't help it. he's very respectful. he makes me smile. he's intelligent. he's sarcastic (yes!). he loves music (which is sort of an understatement). he's sweet. he's cute. we had "the talk" last night and decided we would take things slow and just see where things go. i'm nervous.. but happy. i know my friends will probably think i'm stupid, but i need their support anyway.

one big problem with this (for me) is zach. i'm getting together with him this week to discuss what's happening between me and the guy. i'm scared. i'm really scared. i know he'll be angry. i know he'll make things awkward. i want to be friends with him, though. i want to make things work... i'm just scared.

no sleep. woot.

2007-04-27T15:05:00.000-05:00

i think i've had an average of 3 hours of sleep each night for the past 4 nights. yesssss.
i'm loopy. woohoo.

it won't eject.

2007-04-24T12:30:00.000-05:00

i just had my computer fixed a few weeks ago, yeah? so i thought. i have 14 mixes to make for people today and my computer just decided that it would stop ejecting discs from the drive. The Misfits are now stuck in my stupid Macbook drive. i have 14 mixes.. FOURTEEN MIXES. i won't see these people for months, and i certainly don't want them to go without this good music for that long. bah! i am extremely irritated with Apple. i thought that i would be making a good investment by buying this computer, but obviously it's just the same as me buying a stupid Dell. i'm pissed. extremely pissed.

on a lighter note, i have no finals today.. and my only and last final tomorrow is my ceramics portfolio due at 10 a.m. all i have to do is show him my pieces. he'll look at them, critique, and then give me a final grade. after that, i'm free from this place forever! yipee!

pots. packing. kittens.

2007-04-18T19:22:00.000-05:00

i feel like shite. boo.

i'm feeling more and more stressed about my ceramics class. about half of my pieces were glazed and fired and in my opinion, look like trash. i am very disappointed. they were my favorite pieces too. sigh. i suck. i'm going to finish the others tomorrow so they'll be done by sunday. i'm very, very upset about this.

my mother and grandmother are coming to pick up most of my stuff on friday. just the thought of packing up most of my things and sending them away... oh, it makes me happy. i have one week left here at iwu. i'm not sad. not sad at all. i'm sure i'll be sad when i start saying goodbye to mel and zach and dave and brit and chelby.. and all the good friends i've made this year. i just know, though, that i'll be happier elsewhere. sigh. it's time to say goodbye... woot.

i got a kitten yesterday. mel and i were driving around and we saw a sign for free kittens. we called the number and drove to the lady's house. i picked out a beautiful grey kitten. it has the cutest face. first, i named it Terror. yeah, i enjoy that name. when i went to walmart, though, i could only find collars with "bling" on them, so my sister and i decided to change it's name to P.Kitty... yeah. that's right. my kitten is ghetto. haha. it's adorable, nonetheless. you will love her.

next tuesday = piercing. woot.

dirty little liar.

2007-04-16T17:12:00.000-05:00

my weekend was good. it was good...

i spent thursday evening with manda and devin. we just watched a film and chilled.

friday night, manda had to work, so i picked up devin and we met zach at famous dave's (where manda works). we chilled there for a while. zach ate; we all drank (not alcohol of course). when manda got off, zach went home and the rest of us went back to manda's house. manda and i changed clothes, made ourselves hot, and we drove over to danni's. we just chilled there for a few hours. then we just went back to manda's. the next morning, i wasn't feeling well, so devin had to take me home.

saturday night, i went to see lance's play. i was hit on by a 15-year-old kid. i went to bdubs with some cool people. then i went home.

sunday, i went to lance's play again. i was hit on by the 15-year-old again. then i went home because devin and zach came over. they played guitar hero, and i just watched. even though i wasn't really doing anything, it was fun. they're fun. i think i'm in love with devin. he is the sweetest guy ever. i think zach gets jealous because he sees how much i like devin. example of our goodbye convo...
devin: "well, jacki, it was nice seeing you again"
zach: "yeah, thanks for letting us come over"
me: "yeah, it was fun"
devin: "good luck on all your finals"
me: "thank you"
devin: "i'll miss you a lot this week. can't wait to see you next wednesday"
me: "yeah, i'll definitely miss you, too"
zach: "um... yeah... i'll miss you"
oh, please. we all know that zach never misses me. lies!

*note - this is devin mitchell i'm talking about.

tattoos and piercings. yes.

2007-04-11T14:21:00.000-05:00

i was thinking today. i was thinking about a new tattoo and a new piercing. what shall i get? i know what tattoo i'm getting. because i adore pirates, i'm getting a pirate tattoo. yes. that's right. a pirate tattoo. as far as the piercing goes, i'm not sure yet. lip or nose? hmm... guess you'll just have to wait and see. whatever it is, i'll be getting it done april 24th (twenty dollar tuesdays). i'm excited. oh, and i don't know when the tattoo will be done or where it will be going. i need some suggestions. thanks.

zachary

2007-04-11T00:57:00.000-05:00

i hate him for changing. i hate him for only calling me and asking me over when he's been drinking. i hate him for lying. i hate him for making me cry. i hate him for stealing my heart, then breaking it. i hate him for building my self-esteem, then tearing it right back down. i hate him for taking advantage of me and not caring. i hate him for not wanting to talk about what has happened. but most of all, i hate the fact that i can't hate him. no matter what he says, what he does, how many times he makes me cry... i don't really hate him at all.

i really don't.

no place to live.

2007-03-30T14:52:00.000-05:00

apple just called. my computer is done. it's only been two days. i am really happy about that. woot.

yesterday was the day from hell. i realized how far behind i am in ceramics so i worked in the ceramics studio until 3:00. i ran up to my room, grabbed my purse, and ran out the door. i had to go to work. when i got to my car, i had a frickin parking ticket on my windshield. damn campus police. as i was digging through my purse, i realized that my keys weren't there. well, where were they? i didn't know. so i ran all the way back to my room and frantically searched. after about 5 minutes of searching, i found them in a victoria's secret bag. don't ask. as i was running back to my car, i called work to say i would be a little late. thomas answered the phone and yelled at me. i was pissed. when i got to work, he made a comment that really pissed me off. we started yelling at each other, and i walked out. i quit. it was a rash decision, but i'm sick of him treating me like trash. on my way back, jess called and asked me to come back. nope. she said it was important that me and thomas get along. i told her i'd try, but i wasn't going back to work. i drove home to nappanee that night. jess called me again. she asked if i could please get along with thomas. she said it was stupid for us to fight like that. true. then she asked if i wanted my job back. i didn't really, but i know how hard it is to find good employees, and i felt bad for her because she has to do the hiring... so i said yes. boo. now i have to go work tomorrow morning. like i have time for that.

another thing that made me mad.. kindra and i went to look at an apartment complex today. we met with the owner. after talking a while, she told us that we couldn't live there. why? because we make too much money and are full time students. um.. we make too much money? what kind of a reason is that? and the fact that we're full time students shouldn't stop someone from letting us live in an apartment. stupid, i tell you.. it's stupid!

uh oh.

2007-03-28T08:59:00.000-05:00

so, i've missed counseling two weeks in a row now. kim parker is not going to be happy. i have good reasons, though. i was ill last week, and i'm supposed to go to a convocation today (i'm obviously not going, though). they cancelled morning counseling sessions for today. too bad. i was looking forward to talking to my therapist, who i'm not too fond of. sarcasm.

in three hours, i will be heading down to indianapolis. boo. i don't want to go. my car will probably break down on my way. yes, i am driving the maxima again. let me explain why... on my way home last thursday, the heater in my seat would not stop heating up. no, i'm not kidding. i had to get two towels to sit on because my winter coat wasn't enough to keep the heat from burning my ass. by the time i got home, i couldn't even touch the seat because it was too hot. oh, and it left burn marks on my nice leather seat. i was extremely angry. but that's not all. no. i woke up the next morning, excited to have lunch with lance, but when i tried to start the car, it was dead. it didn't even turn over. anger. now, i'm stuck driving the maxima, which takes at least five minutes to start and still doesn't shift properly. apparently, everything i touch just breaks. my maxima broke down, my grand prix broke down, and my computer is a piece of trash. sadness.

procrastination and apartments.

2007-03-27T09:10:00.000-05:00

so i'm going down to indy tomorrow to try to get my computer fixed... again. boo. i don't have gas, and i don't have money to buy gas. i'm screwed. i hate being poor.

so i have a presentation, two projects, and a paper due in art therapy today. have i done them all? no. of course not. i'm a slacker. i just whipped something up for the presentation (my prof said we shouldn't make it a big deal, so obviously i'm not). i've done one of my projects, which is a photo but i haven't printed it out yet because mel never called me last night. dummy. the other project and paper? nope. i've got nothing. oh well, i'm not worried about it. my prof just lets us turn things in late without deducting points. i love her.

kindra and i have been looking at apartments. we found a really nice place close to grace, so we're going to look at them next week. i'm excited. it's affordable and very nice. i decided that i'm going to take a trip to chicago this summer, so i can go to ikea. i want our apartment to be really cute. woot. i'm so excited to have my own place. you don't even know.
(watch, we won't get an apartment, and i'll have to live at home. bleh.)

the weekend from hell.

2007-03-26T21:44:00.000-05:00

it sucked. my weekend pretty much sucked. i'm not going into details.. but it was just horrible.

the only good thing was when my mother took me shopping. yeah. she was nice to me. i got 2 dresses (cute ones, not nasty ones), some cute shoes, and some panties. hot ones. woot.

the kill.

2007-03-21T23:47:00.000-05:00

kill. break me down. bury me, bury me. i am finished with you. look in my eyes. you're killing me, killing me. all i wanted was you.